i love accidental penises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
