Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize