they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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