ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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