Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
