sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
