During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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