Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize