A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So many bounce houses so little time
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
