yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
