My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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