how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
she told me i tasted like america
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
