It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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