just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
