I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
