Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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