My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
