I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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