I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
