I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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