Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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