If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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