she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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