I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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