well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
