my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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