Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
