I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
