I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
