like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize