Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
