she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
