I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
