It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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