the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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