it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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