ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
