I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
