It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
