At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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