I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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