Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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