This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
