Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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