you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize