I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
