Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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