Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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