ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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