I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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