Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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