so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
