shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
