Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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