Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Randomize
