the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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