I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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