That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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