my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
