omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
