Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
