If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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