so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize