Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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