Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
